


Holding on and letting go

by itstwinkle



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-06
Updated: 2013-08-06
Packaged: 2017-12-22 14:08:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/914112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itstwinkle/pseuds/itstwinkle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s been years since they closed the gates of heaven and hell and Dean and Castiel just wanted a normal life,and knew the only way they could do it was by being apart.So when he feels something is wrong,when he feels Dean is falling,Castiel decides to write him a letter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Holding on and letting go

**Author's Note:**

> Basically Iwas really inspired for some reason so I decided to write it down,kinda short,but I hope you like it :)

Look at the snow!Streets are bright again.Winter smells like a memory,sweet honey and cinnamon,together with bitter,cold ice.  
Christmas is close,people should deliver love to each other but they just walk in a hurry,interrupting white and clean magic which covered my weak and poor town.I imagine those streets everyday.I carelessly imagine what it would feel like to live near you once again,washed with the same city lights,that are still,after all these years able to hide your beautiful face.Even though we both made it very clear we wanted out lives to be normal,even though we both agreed to leave and just not speak anymore.  
Sometimes I find myself thinking,aren’t people just so empty?  
Every time you helped someone I noticed they couldn’t see the way your scared heart beats inside of your chest.  
I wonder how they feel when they see that perfect body of yours lost in your light pain? A body that can hide a million tears and frozen fears when it comes to protecting others.  
People always wanted you to stand,cold as a stone with skin how like a fire,and a heart small enough to close it when you do what you do.And later,you just come out with a piece of pie in your hands,goofy smile,with the same clothes you wore days ago,and dry eyes.You are too precious.  
You lock yourself in a lonely room,thinking about how hard life around the snow is.Your aching heart is just too much for fluffy clouds,flying in the skies.  
You cry alone,you wish alone,you pray alone.Then,as you wipe away all your sorrow,you take a lonely walk down the nearest street.  
You walk silently and for some reason think if you should take up smoking,but you change your mind.  
You see a familiar face of a woman you saved years ago.She happily greets you,but your throat is dry.You cough to clear it,so she doesn’t know you fooled her with the fake dragon fire running threw your voice and blood.  
She slowly walks away and the next thing you can see,is a little boy running threw the street catching snowflakes,clumsy snowflakes that fell into his warm hands and melted.  
You watch as the bittersweet winter night approaches. The skies turn black but the snow makes everything still equally as white.  
You know where you are going.Heavy boots destroy the white carpet everyone walks on in winter.  
For a moment you stop,pull out a couple of coins and hand them to a tiny half-frozen little girl sitting on the cold ground in front of a bakery.  
A wide smile appears on her face as she mumbles a quiet ‘thank you’.  
You smile back and continue going your own way.  
You hear the wind whispering December’s song and you cover your ears.You want to know about the loneliness it sings about.Repeating the damned melody,over and over again,making every lonely person on the streets feel ever worse.  
You are just too afraid of living alone.You say you know what love is,simply because you want to love someone.  
You are almost there.You made your way to your house.You didn’t even noticed you made a circle around it.It was your everyday routine,but now was the first time you actually noticed it.  
For a moment you stop.Just wait in the same spot.You realize you never actually felt true happiness.Feelings take a hold of you.You remember how lonely you are and you can’t help but try to escape to another world from that very spot.To a place where rainbow lights feed your confidence while starving your pain.You finally enter a lonely room once again.Fire of lies and deadly beauty here burns.You buried your sorrows in the snow and now you want to hide them from it.You take a cold beer,take off your old coat and clothes worn too many times.  
You threw your boots away,sit on an old comfortable chair and turn on the radio.It plays an old rock song you love.It’s just what you need.Singing along and taking small sips of beer,you notice something shinning around your neck.  
It a silver cross your brother gave you a while ago.You can’t stand anything shinning right now,so you take it off and decide to put it back on when the night had finished its visit in your town.  
You run out of beer,but still want more even though your stomach burns.It still tastes good and helps you forget who you are.  
You think no one knows you are breaking yourself one more time,trying to become the person you with you were.You don’t know about the silent screams in my heart when I see how deep you’ve fallen.  
The person who you are,is the person that belongs in my arms,but I can’t reach you while you sadly laugh as if you don’t care about the weight of your soul.Without you,I’m lost.And you don’t know that without me,you’re lost as well.  
As much as you wanted a normal life,you knew you would never have it.Helping people is stronger than you and before you know it,you’re putting your clothes on again and planning to go save a life.  
You want to turn off the lights,but you feel like someone else is in the room with you.You leave.  
You go there and you become brave,heartless and fearless.  
You don’t know how many times I wish I could pick up the pieces of the real you,you’ve left at home,and stand by your shadow,the one you forgot silently humming the saddest song I know.  
Now that its over,you come back feeling good.You forget to pick up the rest of you because you think this good feeling of accomplishment will never leave your side.  
You lay down,and cover yourself with old sheets, as you wait for morning.  
The sorrow comes back.  
I know you feel me.  
I can see it in your tears.  
I am not reaching you and you’re not reaching me.I can feel you and you can feel me.We are actually just two people lost in pain.I’m lost in yours and you as well.  
When you feel like It,come find me.I scream without a sound,calling your name is silence because I am afraid to call it out loud.  
Tomorrow there will be other ways to hide.We’ve lost our strength for today.Tomorrow I will want you more,and somehow I know you will need me more.  
Morning still doesn’t feel like its coming,so you rest your head and wait for the night to go away.  
And I won’t say goodbye for tonight until I can whisper  
‘I love you,even today.’  
From Castiel,to Dean 19.12.2013.


End file.
